Shaman's Fast- Part Two
(c)TuesdayMayThomas
Can you admit honestly when you have broken a pledge,
promise or vow? Well if you were in Hollywood this past Wednesday afternoon and
happened to be on Vermont Ave around 5pm you may have seen me digging into a
veggie burger and fries at Fatburger!
Yes it’s true, I broke my fast and cannot tell you how much I truly enjoyed and
delighted in one of my favorite ‘treat’ meals.
There are numerous reasons why I could say it happened. Was
it that I just finished receiving two-hours of spiritual counsel with a Monk at
Self Realization Fellowship, and all we shared served to
stir my hunger? Or is it that I am with weak will power? One thing I know is
years ago if I would have ‘broken a vow’- I could never have admitted it. I
would have wanted people to like me for what I do, not how I do- what ever it is I did. I would
need to appear as some version of perfection- thinking this is how people will
respect and ‘like’ me more.
When I lived in New York I taught yoga and worked at a
nursing home during the day. At night I performed shows with a rock band. I
lived two seemingly separate lives. At yoga I was always the ‘perfect’ teacher.
For many years none of my students knew I smoked tobacco or drank alcohol. At
the nursing home my hair was up in a bun and all of my tattoos were covered. While
performing in rock shows with band ‘69 Nova’, I let my dread-locked hair down and pushed my cleavage up! I drank Guinness and Jack Daniels, and smoked my
famous sagerettes during those late
and raucous nights- back when you could still smoke in bars. Low and behold, over
time some of my yoga students began coming to the rock shows and my two worlds
collided. I suddenly felt I was betraying my students by having this other life outside of our very pure yoga
classes and my good girl employee-at-a-nursing-home
reputation. Could I smoke in front of my yoga students? Could I swill a Jack
and Coke and still be my pure and true self? The answer is YES.
Tuesday performing with '69 Nova' circa 2002.
It is actually quite liberating, allowing myself to be human.
The best part about it is I intend to stay the course of this fast. I have not
allowed my ‘slip’ to take me down a road of giving up and throwing away the blessing
and merit of what has been achieved thus far. When I say merit, I mean the spiritual,
energetic and personal expansion, the transformation, focus and discipline gained
along this fast thus far. It is easy to just give up completely, I could decide
to eat veggie burgers everyday from here on out and forget about the fast
altogether. But then what? What of the magic that is dispensed by the universe
for following through on the innate divine guidance one receives?
This is the third in a trinity of the longest fast’s I have
ever been guided to practice. It
is easy to allow a ‘slip’ to change the entire course of one’s path. Say, for
example you are trying to give something up, like smoking for instance. You may
have been very good for many months and have not gone near a cigarette. Then
one day you decide one wont hurt, and
then you have another, and then you buy a pack and you are smoking more than
you ever did before! I will my will
to stay the course of this discipline. I am happy to say my fasting diet has
expanded from adzuki beans, vegetables, miso soup and quinoa- to include
yogurt, organic coconut shards, rice cakes, nut butters, avocado and hummus. I
do daydream of pumpkin pie, and with Thanksgiving coming up... well, I will
cross that bridge when I get there!
It’s amazing
how the senses become acutely heightened during fasting. The other day while
walking in the city I was overwhelmed by the pungent fumes of carbon monoxide
distilled from car exhausts, and I had to cover my nose and mouth as the
spritely stench of urine became illumined through my nostrils while undertaking
my usual path to work. Are these smells always here? And are they always this
strong? Should I find a new route to walk tomorrow? It is profound how fasting
and a change of diet can expand the basic and often overlooked sense-abilities.
It is the same for my home. How could I have left it so many
months to clean the refrigerator, and my bathtub? It reminds me of my favorite
Yoga teacher, she is the closest thing to a guru I have ever experienced.
Meaning, I have never been the type to call anyone ‘my guru’- until she came into
my life. I still don’t really call her my guru, well - maybe sometimes. Deep within, I know she is the
closest thing to ‘guru’ I have ever felt. Traditionally guru simply
means the remover of darkness. In many ways we are guru for one another.
I recall my teacher telling a story about how she had
discovered an old lemon upon her sacred alter space. Within the area allocated for
pictures of her gurus, Indian deities
and other objects that signify her spiritual path, she would often leave
offerings for the gods such as sweets, small stones, or fruit. She had left it so long before cleaning
her alter space, that upon finally taking things down and wiping picture frames and such, she discovered the fateful lemon she had once left as an
offering to Ganesha. It was shriveled up and covered in dried and dusty mold. I
thought of this story a couple days ago while showering. I couldn’t help
myself, I had to step out of the running shower, grab the Ajax and copper scour
scrubber from under the bathroom sink and get to work. Just how many months had
it been since I scrubbed the tub? Too many.
Ganesha
The fast is not allowing me to leave any corners unkempt. I
can’t just turn a blind eye anymore. All the little things I would normally
gloss over now require my appreciation and attention. No more thinking “Maybe
my roommates will do it.” Same thing with the fridge, and this week the fast
wouldn’t let me get away without seeing the utter funk that had built up in the
cracks and crevices. Now that I am finished with the liquid portion of my fast
and onto the solid food part- I just can't bare to put beautiful and amazing
food items such as fresh organic kale onto a dirty refrigerator shelf, knowing
I will soon be eating it.
While I scrubbed the tub I noticed bright orange flashes of
color within the center of my palms and the backs of my hands. After some time
I recalled the porcupine quills broken into my hands amongst my recent ceremony
within the inner worlds. I realize it is past the time the tribe leader told me to come back. I envision my
body wrapped like a mummy inside that dark cave, deep below this world of
scrubbing tubs, bus rides and grocery store lines.
This leads me to ‘Part Two’ of my inner world travels. This last journey took some time to
digest, as it served to move my soul in ways it had not been moved prior. This ‘soul movement’ is the
blessing, and the ‘merit’ I spoke if earlier. When we are guided from within or
above by a divine force, and see
something through – there is usually a reason. A meaningful revealing often takes place in our lives
as we complete the task at hand.
It is Sunday morning and I am stirred to awaken. Upon
checking the time I see it is 4am. I think to myself “I wanted to sleep in
today...” And close my eyes while
snuggling with the cat but I can’t deny a tingling in my heart, and I know I must
get up and meditate at the birth of this new dawn. After gathering my drum and
sacred items I sit with a blanket and light a candle. Today I begin with
counting my breath. I perform oujai
breathing while connecting my tongue to the top of my mouth, and roll my eyes
(behind gently closed eyelids) to the center of my forehead. I count one, two,
three, four- up to eight as I slowly inhale and then one, two, three, four...
up to eight again as I hold my breath, followed by another count of eight as I
slowly exhale completely. I perform eight round of this practice and follow it
by softly drumming. A song wishes to come through and my tongue relaxes while
my eyes stay suspended upward. A sacred song I have not heard before begins to sing softly
through me.
Over the years of being ‘with drum’ and using it as a part
of ceremony during personal and group meditations, Reiki gatherings and
spiritual practices, I have experienced such sweet, sacred tones channel
through my vessel. While in ceremony with Ayahausca last year, I heard my
voice reverberate from within my body as I never had before. This, I believe is due to the shape-shifting of my skull from bone to quartz crystal during that evening. My crystal skull allows
a deep resonance of sound to echo within my body and without. The occurrence shifted
my voice to a new frequency that has been with me since. It is no longer my voice that sings during service, but
the universe that sings through me. *It
is interesting to note the word ‘Universe’ translates to ‘One- Song’.
As spirit moves through and I drum softly, I feel the Tribe Leader pull me towards the cave. I was to be wrapped up for
three days and at this point I am late in my return. As I drum in the physical world, I depart my body and float down the kitchen sink pipes, returning to the sacred space of the
inner worlds. Many of my totem animal friends are awaiting my visit. I sit next
to my big tree, leaning my spine against her wide trunk. I can feel the soft
grass under my bare feet as I breathe deeply here. Crocodile slowly emerges
from the saltwater lake that always accompanies my inner world environments and
I recall how I dreamt of him recently. Telepathically he transmits to me he
will be my escort into the cave where Puma and my mummified body reside.
I look down and notice an army-green satchel I often use in
this realm. It feels heavy but I do
not look inside. I take it along and reach for my inner world drum that lies by
the tree. I begin drumming as myself and Crocodile enter the darkness of the
cave and within minutes we arrive to the cul-de-sac area I left several days
before. Puma is sitting at the entrance to this space. He is alert and ‘on
guard’ as a loyal watchdog would be. Crocodile takes his place while Puma
accompanies me into the circle where the tribe resides. I stop in my tracks, astonished
to find my body dismembered, and I slowly stop drumming. My head, arms and legs
are severed from my torso and individually wrapped in the same cloth of the
previous ritual. What is even more daunting – each tribe member appears to be
gnawing at one of my limbs as the eyes inside of my dismembered head watches from a tree stump. I
look sheepishly to the Tribe Leader, knowing I am late in my return and wonder
if the scenario I am seeing is somehow a punishment for my tardiness. Tribe
Leader motions to me telepathically, letting me know the current happenings are of no such consequence. He
knows I am late, but he welcomes me because he is my teacher.
He guides me to stand above my severed head. I take my place and realize the tribe members are not actually eating my
limbs. The closer I look, I see they are simply motioning as if. Are they chewing away debris and illness, all the parts of
me that need cleaning? Soon the tribe members place my body parts down in
alignment with my torso. Tribe
Leader motions to the satchel that lies over my shoulders. I reach into it and
pull out a huge shining green emerald stone. It weighs heavy in my hands and its
energy pulsates as I pass it to the Tribe Leader. He holds it up into the air
with both hands, as to bless it- and then sets it aside.
My body prickles with fear as I sense what may be coming
next. I feel a 'surgery' of sorts approaching this scene. I know it can’t be anything I am not ready to receive in this world, or
any other, but I am still on high alert. Though these experiences are new to me in this life-time, they are like memories of life times past. Tribe Leader swills from a clear glass bottle
and holds the liquid in his mouth with cheeks large. He next spits and sprays
the liquid over all members in the circle. He next takes a puff of tobacco from
his pipe and blows the smoke in all directions. He speaks a few words, again in
a language I do not recognize. It feels like the invocation to this ceremony
has begun. He nods to me, and as I stand over my dismembered crown, I begin to
drum.
The beater in my hand bounces on the skin of my drum- in a
heartbeat rhythm. Tribe Leader next hovers his hands over my lone torso (still
unattached from my limbs) for a few moments, and then plunges his right hand
into my chest. While I sit in the third dimension, drumming in my living room,
I feel a deep sensation in my upper body and gasp a deep inhalation. He next
pulls my heart from my body. I see it bloody and beating in his hand. I watch this ceremony of the inner worlds from the alternate
universe of my living room and begin to cry. I know what I am watching is an
initiation of sorts, and once I allow this ceremony to be complete there is no
going back.
He takes my heart into his left hand and cuts an incision
into it with the fingers of his right hand. He then places the emerald jewel
inside of my incised and still beating heart. I immediately sense an intense
healing take place from deep within a part of me that has always been here, but I have not explored much; my soul.
Again Tribe Leader swills from the glass bottle and spits and sprays the clear
liquid over my heart while it rests in his hand, and follows that by smoking
from his pipe and blowing tobacco over this sacred organ of my body. He next
places my heart into his mouth and just as Crocodile would, he gulps my heart
down in one swoop. As I stand drumming in this inner world circle, I see my
heart travel down inside of his body until it sinks into his own. It begins
beating in synch with his heart. At this point I know there is no turning back,
from this ceremony and from its significance to me at this point in my life. Is
this something I have deliberately asked for? Or is this something that simply is? I have always known my path would
come to this, as it has many lifetimes over.
After some time the regurgitation of my heart from his body
takes place, and again he holds it in his hand. He reaches for a small pouch and with head tilted back, he
appears to swallow its contents. Upon lowering his chin, he then spits over my
heart again. But this time it is not the clear liquid from before, or smoke of
tobacco, but a beautiful gold dust that covers my heart completely like a shiny
metallic paint. He turns to me in his stoic manner and telepathically tells me
my soul is now 'fire-proof' and protected throughout all worlds and dimensions. He
seals the area of my heart opened to place the emerald inside, with a clear wax liquid
he pours from a small glass bottle. Once again he raises my heart to the sky
and speaks in a language unknown to me yet. He then places my heart back inside
of my chest. My heart begins to beat in my body and the tribe members
rejoin my arms and legs to my trunk. They drip, pour and rub the clear wax serum (that Tribe Leader used) over and under my shoulders, arms, hips, thighs and
neck. This instantly heals and reconnects all of my body parts.
I am now rocking back and forth in my living room as I drum.
I am crying- softly howling as sobbing tears flow down my cheeks. The intensity
of this experience is almost too much to bear. In the third dimension my hips
and ankles are aching and pulsing from sitting in lotus for... I’m not sure how
long. All I know is I am ready to go home, I am ready to come back. "Can I go home now?" I think to myself. In the cave of inner worlds the tribe members
are now dancing, playing drums and rattles in a circle around me while I slowly
sit up and become re-acquainted with my renewed body and heart. I motion to
Tribe Leader and telepathically tell him I am ready to go. The tribe members
help me to stand and unwrap my body from its mummified state. Tribe Leader
motions that we will smoke a tobacco offering before I go, but now I can feel
the extreme discomfort of my third dimensional body like never before and I
just want to go home. I shake my head ‘No’ and motion to Puma and Crocodile that
we are leaving. “I gotta go.” I tell Tribe Leader. “Come sit with us, stay and
smoke.” He motions. I bow to him with great respect and thank him for this
otherworldly healing and the many blessings therein, but I cannot stay a moment
longer. “I must go.” I speak out loud to him. I gather my satchel and find it hard to walk, so sit I upon Puma's back as we make our way out. My journey body is still drumming
as I walk behind the scene of my renewed-body. I see me riding upon Puma's back,
along with Crocodile as we all make our way back to the entrance of this cave.
And it cannot be quick enough.
Crocodile
We finally return and I crawl from Puma to lay upon
Crocodile’s back who then walks us into the lake where I am submerged three times
and it feels so good, so healing to be back. I next crawl from the water and
lay upon the grass. I am out of breath, exhausted and feel drained. The journeying, 'drumming me’ knows I must leave the renewed and refurbished me to rest. Once I feel the renewed me
is comfortable, I quickly fly up through the sink pipes and return to my body.
Three last beats upon the drum to complete the ceremony and I fall back in
lotus and slowly begin to uncross my legs, gently unwinding my knees and ankles
that are throbbing at this point. I lay back and sob even harder now. I cry of
the energetic shifts bestowed unto me from this mind-blowing journey. As I make my way to bed I see the clock
signify I had been in ceremony & sitting in lotus for 100 minutes. No
wonder my hips are aching.
I sink into a deep sleep and awake four and a-half hours later by a phone call. A
pal asks if I can substitute teach his yoga class. I agree, knowing it will
help me to get ‘back into my body’ but I feel very disoriented and foggy as I make
my way through Downtown. All through class I am careful because I feel drunk, or like I have just got new glasses and need time to become acclimated to my ‘new
sight’. As I wait for the bus home, I feel completely jet lagged, and hungover-
though I have not drank any alcohol and have only traveled to the inner worlds. As I sit on the bus home I notice a very old woman
sitting across from me. She has a black beaded Crocodile keychain hanging from her
purse. It is a sign.
At home I feel ungrounded and ready to eat, though it is my seventh day of liquid fasting, and
I have only to go through this eve until I can ‘officially’ eat tomorrow if I shall decide. I sit and watch the movie ‘Frida’ about Frida Kahlo’s life. I am astonished and moved by the scene in
which she is fascinated by the gold paint of an artist on the bus that later covers her body (as is my heart). The same bus ride causes here to undergo a lifetime of her body being broken apart and put
back together again. The Crocodile keychain, the gold paint and her physical-body's incarnations are synchronistic with my scenario.
Frida Kahlo
I finish the movie
and sit in stillness. I want badly to smoke a sagerette and briefly wonder if I have the ingredients to make it a reality. I then consider the
ramifications- "You are fasting Tuesday.. No smoking!" I think to myself. I then realize Tribe Leaders request for me to stay and smoke
with the group. I could not earlier, as I had reached my limit of other worldly surgeries and third dimensional lotus hips reality. But now, as darkness
falls and day becomes night, I know I must go back and fiinish the ceremony started earlier this morning.
So I begin to travel with my drum and re-enter my saced
space. Crocodile is expecting me, and with Puma we re-enter the cave. This
time there are bats flying around inside of the cave. They are swooping and trying to dive bomb me. Is this
because I did not finish ceremony? I feel like they are here to signify the
opening of my energy, left by not completing the ceremony. Would they be here had I finished the ceremony earlier? I feel they signify no real
danger, but they are a nuisance none the less.
As we
arrive, The tribe is sitting in a circle, awaiting my presence. Tribe leader
shows me where to sit and begins to fill his bone-pipe with tobacco and other
herbs. The pipe is passed in a clockwise direction, away from me. Each member takes two puffs and slowly passes it to the left. As it arrives to me, I savor
the feeling of this pipe in my hand. I hold it to my lips and take a
long slow inhalation. The smoke fill my lungs with its healing
energy and I take one more puff, this time holding the smoke inside of my body
for a few seconds. I look to Tribe Leader and he nods, as if saying “Now this ceremony is complete..” We sit for some time together in silence and I now know I am truly
ready to go back home. I offer gratitude to my group and Tribe Leader and make
my way back with my totem friends. This time the bats are hanging upside down, asleep and do not
notice our passage through the cave.
As I enter my sacred space outside of the cave, my renewed body lies upon a bed of daisies
and my Peacock totems flourish their beautiful feathers around me in a circle,
as to protect me while I rest here. Upon returning to my third dimensional home through the kitchen pipes, and reawkening from this second journey of the day. I feel refreshed and any
craving for tobacco is now gone. I slowly stretch and stand up, deciding I will
in fact begin my solid food diet tonight and commence to make quinoa and
steamed kale. It was the best meal ever... maybe even better than that veggie
burger and fries! (c)TuesdayMayThomas
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